A Norwegian friend of mine was telling me about the first time he ever traveled outside of Europe, which happened to be a gap-year stint in Australia after finishing high school. Not being completely sure of his English at that stage, he was feeling pretty nervous about the prospects of spending such an extended period of time in a remote foreign country. All this wasn't helped by the fact that he had, for some reason, decided to try and sneak some Norwegian meats inside his luggage. (If you haven't been to that part of the world before, I can promise you that no-one is more strict when it comes bringing agricultural produce into their territory and monitoring their borders in general.)
Anyway, he was fairly bricking himself while lining up to face the fierce-looking border official in the NOTHING TO DECLARE queue. Fortunately for him, fate had deemed to place a "pissed Kiwi" (his words) in front of him, which ultimately took all the pressure off. After going through the normal inquiries (purpose of visit, accommodation, etc), the officer got to the money question:
AUSSIE BORDER OFFICIAL: "Do you have a criminal record?"
DRUNK KIWI: "Ahh mate, I didn't know you still needed one to get in here!"
Reminds me of a great Barmy Army chant [sung to the tune of "She'll Be Coming 'Round The Mountain"] I heard while watching the England cricket team take on Australia* in Australia: "If Your Granddad Was Deported Clap Your Hands!"
* I had actually meant to post this little story immediately in the wake of England's Ashes victory over Australia - just to rub it in - but got a little sidetracked and then felt bad having another go at our friends Down Under, because of the tragic floods in Queensland. Now, with the water starting to recede and the recovery operation having kicked into gear, perhaps my timing is not too crass. If you feel otherwise, remember: It's just a bit of humour!